What I really mean is...
By Professor Mark Griffiths
Psychology Division, Nottingham Trent University, UK.
It’s conference season, academics and students all around the world are jetting off to hear how their peers (and minions) are doing in all fields of study. But what does it all mean? The following is a glossary for interpreting “conference speak”. The emboldened phrases are what is said and the italicised phrase below it is what is meant.
Rejection of a paper
“Due to the exceptionally high quality of papers this year, your paper did not quite reach inclusion on the final programme”
“Your paper was rubbish”
Academic turning down an invited paper
“Due to previous commitments....”
“I'm scared stiff of talking about my work in public”
Titles of papers
Conference paper title with a “tabloid” headline (e.g. “Does sex increase your IQ? - Some speculations”)
“This is the only way I can get people to come and listen to me”
Conference paper title with long boring words (e.g. “Neo-Pavlovian conditioning paradigms and the hypnotic suppression of conditioned electrodermal responses”)
“This is the only way I can stop people turning up to listen to me”
Introduction of the speaker by the chairperson
“I’m delighted and honoured to welcome Professor Smith”
“Professor Smith can buy me a drink in the bar afterwards”
“The next speaker submitted an ‘interesting’ paper to the selection panel”
“The selection panel didn’t understand a word the author was saying but would like to know more”
“The next paper is from our distinguished invited speaker”
“Don't snore too loudly”
“The next paper is from an undergraduate”
“Don't laugh too loudly”
Just before the speaker presents a paper
“Unfortunately I have left my overheads/ PowerPoint disc on the train”
“This will be a poor presentation because I haven’t done any preparation”
During the paper
“This theory provides a useful historical perspective”
“This theory is rubbish but it will pad out my talk”
“In an as yet unpublished study...”
“To date, every journal has rejected it”
“Ongoing experiments from our laboratory...”
“An afternoon’s pilot work by one of my third year students”
“Anecdotal evidence suggests...”
“I heard in the bar last night that...”
“As you can see on the overhead...”
“As you obviously can’t see on my badly written and sweat-smudged overhead - but I’ll assume you can anyway...”
“In the classic paper...”
“In a paper that at least a quarter of the audience may have heard of and that one or two might have actually read”
“In a much neglected paper...”
“In a paper that no-one has ever heard of and no-one except me ever will...”
“A two way ANOVA was considered the most appropriate form of analysis”
“The two way ANOVA is the most sophisticated statistical test I can use competently”
“The previous speakers in this symposium agree with my assertions”
“The previous speakers did not openly disagree with my assertions”
“My co-researchers think...”
“My co-researchers is not here to defend themselves so I can say what I like and blame it on them”
“My results are only tentative”
“My results are based on anecdotal observations / a single case study / a gut feeling / pure fabrication” (delete as appropriate)
“My conclusions are speculative”
“My conclusions are completely unfounded and have relation to the results obtained”
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